12.18.09

"People who behave don't know how to be great, because they don't know how to take risk.."- Christine R. Omar

I started this piece quoting my marketing management professor who recently died of cervical cancer for many reasons. I wanted people to hear what little I know of her, and what I would do not to be just great, but to be remembered just as she would be...

Today marks the beginning of an end. An end to what is known and conventional, and a beginning of a series of uncertainties and adventures. Today, signifies the last of my banking days. Today commence my "unconventional" decision to leave the bank.

Today, I am sad, scared, but happy. Sad because I wont be spending that much time with my friends in the bank anymore. Sad because PBCOM has grown to be a part of who I am. Scared because I don't know what will happen next. Despite the plans and strategies, life most of the time, plays on us. To mold us into better versions of what we already are. And this is why above all the sadness and the feeling of being scared, I am happy. Happy because I deciphered what was there in my heart and in my mind all along. Happy because I was able to act on it. Happy because I jumped!

I don't ask people to approve of my decision. All I ask is for people to try to understand and trust that I know what I am doing. Though at times it seem as if I don't.

Someday, one day, when our roads cross again, I assure everyone that there wont be any "sayang", "sana", and "oh well.."

Someday, one day, when our roads cross again, you will meet an entirely different person.. I will make you proud of me.

The Mindanao I believed In..

The dark clouds.. The ravishing sound of cars.. The smoke coming from the factories.. The city.. Hell or Heaven?

Most parts of the Philippines are now converted into well- developed, well- furnished cities with high buildings, enormous malls, polluted air, and vexing traffic jam. The people in this area are like ants in colony that never run out of something to do. Every block and section is covered with air-conditioners and carpeted lobbies. Indeed, life here seem so easy, everything is just a button away. But to the contrary, inhabitants of such area fail to experience what's it like to walk in mud bare-footed, reach the peak of Philippine's highest mountain, dance and sing in the rain. When you desire to live in urban areas, there are a lot of things you have to know, skills to posses, and sometimes, be insensitive to the needs of others just to be where you think you belong. Cities are like puzzles you need to master. Two of Philippines biggest puzzles are Cebu and Metro Manila.

I am a Boholana, a native of Bohol Island in the Visayas. But I grew up in Mindanao, and have a heart of a Mindanao child. I hate what's happening now- the discrimination our brothers and sisters from Mindanao experience every time they go into big cities and urban areas. It hurts when people think that all of us are war-freak, ignorant, and uncivilized. In short term, taga- Bundok. For them, all the conveniences they have are so great that Mindanao can't afford to have; all Mindanao possesses is its gun fires and rain bullets.

Luckily, I belonged to a Christ-centered organization and was miraculously allowed to attend its 8th International Leaders' Conference in Cebu City last May 2000 (i think). Truly, Cebu is a magnificent city. During our one week stay there, I keenly observed the milieu. While walking at the mall one afternoon, a lady from nowhere asked us where we came from, and when we told her we're from Mindanao, her friendliness vanished and seemed like fear took over.

One of my cousins visited Manila the same month that year. She had friends from some known universities and introduced her to more Manilano teens. When they found out that she's from Davao, one girl asked, "Is your road cemented? Do you have malls? Eh how about your electricity?"

Funny at some point how people from big cities have mistakenly looked at Mindanao. All their access to the biggest cities of U.S. and Europe blinded them so much that they fail to see what Mindanao really is. They knew so little about Mindanao, therefore, they have no right to step on it and the people in it.

The false belief on Mindanao must be stopped- NOW! The eyes of the "civilized" must be open and let them be aware that Mindanao is not a rebel- oriented area, not the home of semi- idiotic louts lost in the world of supreme maturity and elegance but of God- fearing people who knows how to respect differences. That Muslims don't kill Christians, and Christians don't kill Muslims as well. They have peaceful coexistence here and they share what they have. They are not blinded with the truth... they say what they see and believed in what truly existed. Yes, this is the right time to prove to everyone that Mindanaoans are all worthy. Not as wanna- be but as somebody. That Mindanaoans know how to join hands and and stand together, firm in decisions, firm on choices, and firm as a nation.

Shanghai, China.

My first out of the country experience. It was wonderful and exciting. Its a whole new world. The buildings were well built and the lights were just magnificent.

This picture was taken at Shanghai's Pudong side, the colonial side of Shanghai. This buildings were remnants of the British colony.

The Pearl Tower, Shanghai's pride and glory was at the other side. Puxie, or the modern Shanghai boasts of its skyscrapers and modern architectural designs.

Huang Po River, where a good number of floating restaurants could be seen separates the two faces of Shanghai.

Ground temperature during our stay there was about negative 1 to negative 3. It was freezing! We had to wear thermals, and loads of clothes at the same time. There were also snowflakes. Winter! Winter! Winter!

Still Breathing

The pain was there.. pain from falling of the cliff and into the ocean of disappointments.. from embarrassment, or more like humiliation.. its deafening screams made it harder to ignore.. i had to acknowledge and accept its presence.

It was inevitable.

Pain was not something you can dodge when you start feeling emotions stronger than how you felt when Romeo kissed Juliet, for someone else. When your subconscious mind starts to recognize someone else's existence. At first you fight. Someone were lucky enough to win the battle, others, like me, end up giving in to its qualms... And thus, the cliff.

For years, I tried. I fought. I shied away from people. I built a wall around me. I stayed in my own little world. I protected myself from pain, knowing that by doing this, I was depriving myself from discovering new things and evolving. Yet, I consoled myself with the fact that I would never get hurt and hurt others as well.

Mediocrity was something I enjoyed. Then you came. And suddenly, I wanted to do more, to be more. You were perfect in your own right. More than the Prince Charming in Disney's fairytales, more than Romeo, more than the knight in shining armor, more than the vampire in that shiny silver Volvo. Then again, maybe I was giving you more credit than you deserve.

So I wrote again...

Mediocrity was something I enjoyed, and should have chosen to enjoyed... whether you came or not. You came and shattered my perfectly imperfect little world. Your almost perfect existence only showed me how imperfect I was, and how incapable I am of being just that.

Still I welcomed you with fervor so foreign, I didn't even recognize it. You became the center of my existence, or I made you the core of it. I thought of you every waking moment, and yes, I still do. Only this time, the memories brought tears in my eyes, dodged a deeper hole in my being. We were almost there. .. Almost... But then again, there were, and still are, many great almosts out there...

I stood at the edge of the cliff, ready to take the fall. This was my choice. It always has been my call. I eyed whatever was waiting for me at the bottom. Sleepless nights, crying myself to sleep, disturbed motor skills. Those, I could handle. Because time would eventually heal me. What scared me most was the fact that you dont care or would not care about the aftermath of it. If I drown or heal in time.

I took one step forward, two steps back. I thought to myself, I've come this far, what's the point of turning back? And with one great leap of faith, I've come face to face with pain. I drowned or let myself drowned. I felt the pain, i felt the disappointments, I felt the humiliation from everythng I did to make you see me.

Surprisingly, I could still feel my heart beating.. I am still alive.