Still Breathing

The pain was there.. pain from falling of the cliff and into the ocean of disappointments.. from embarrassment, or more like humiliation.. its deafening screams made it harder to ignore.. i had to acknowledge and accept its presence.

It was inevitable.

Pain was not something you can dodge when you start feeling emotions stronger than how you felt when Romeo kissed Juliet, for someone else. When your subconscious mind starts to recognize someone else's existence. At first you fight. Someone were lucky enough to win the battle, others, like me, end up giving in to its qualms... And thus, the cliff.

For years, I tried. I fought. I shied away from people. I built a wall around me. I stayed in my own little world. I protected myself from pain, knowing that by doing this, I was depriving myself from discovering new things and evolving. Yet, I consoled myself with the fact that I would never get hurt and hurt others as well.

Mediocrity was something I enjoyed. Then you came. And suddenly, I wanted to do more, to be more. You were perfect in your own right. More than the Prince Charming in Disney's fairytales, more than Romeo, more than the knight in shining armor, more than the vampire in that shiny silver Volvo. Then again, maybe I was giving you more credit than you deserve.

So I wrote again...

Mediocrity was something I enjoyed, and should have chosen to enjoyed... whether you came or not. You came and shattered my perfectly imperfect little world. Your almost perfect existence only showed me how imperfect I was, and how incapable I am of being just that.

Still I welcomed you with fervor so foreign, I didn't even recognize it. You became the center of my existence, or I made you the core of it. I thought of you every waking moment, and yes, I still do. Only this time, the memories brought tears in my eyes, dodged a deeper hole in my being. We were almost there. .. Almost... But then again, there were, and still are, many great almosts out there...

I stood at the edge of the cliff, ready to take the fall. This was my choice. It always has been my call. I eyed whatever was waiting for me at the bottom. Sleepless nights, crying myself to sleep, disturbed motor skills. Those, I could handle. Because time would eventually heal me. What scared me most was the fact that you dont care or would not care about the aftermath of it. If I drown or heal in time.

I took one step forward, two steps back. I thought to myself, I've come this far, what's the point of turning back? And with one great leap of faith, I've come face to face with pain. I drowned or let myself drowned. I felt the pain, i felt the disappointments, I felt the humiliation from everythng I did to make you see me.

Surprisingly, I could still feel my heart beating.. I am still alive.